WWTW: Orange Is The New Black, Part I

We’ve already seen the ladies of Litchfield get creative with their footwear, but we all know they can do better. Welcome to What Would They Wear.

Piper Chapman

Hailing from a once privileged, master cleansing, globetrotting lifestyle, Piper has been hardened by Red Specials (literally, ew), possessive prison wives, and endless emotional confusion. Still, ever the free spirit, Piper’s risen to become a leader in Litchfield that takes s*** from no one.

Day:

These would’ve gone great with her mermaid hair in her younger days. So bohemian.

Night:

Who says you can’t still look fabulous in chains?

 

Alex Vause

Charismatic, cool, and independent, Alex stays out of petty drama, preferring to play with hearts and minds instead. She’s the yin to Piper’s yang, and don’t they know it.

Day:

Come on, you know she longboards.

Night:

Hottest drug smuggler in town.

 

Galina ‘Red’ Reznikov

Red’s a lioness in Litchfield’s cage, and she’ll devour you raw if you cross her. Still, she protects her own and rewards those loyal to her.

Day:

It is her color after all.

Night:

“Second one.”

 

Suzanne ‘Crazy Eyes’ Warren

Suzanne was born for the theatershe’s got the whole eye contact thing down on lock. Despite her ‘intensity,’ she’s a softie at heart. A true garden rose.

Day:

They were meant to be.

Night:

For her Broadway debut.

 

George ‘Pornstache’ Mendez

A certified creep, Mendez makes life just a little more miserable for the ladies of Litchfield each day.

Day:

You just know he’s a cowboy boots kind of guy.

Night:

As slick as his smirk.

 

Comment on who you’d like to see next!

Peeling the Onion

If you haven’t been following the #CancelColbert mediastorm, I would recommend getting a good grasp of the situation and the context before watching this HuffPost Live segment here.

I’ve seen this same discussion get derailed too many times, and this HuffPost segment is a textbook case of how it ends. This video is about a lot more than #CancelColbert. It’s a short video, but it’s worth analyzing and understanding exactly what happened. Let the autopsy begin.

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The Problem of Parody: Why I’m Not Laughing

I’m not usually political. I can take a joke. And this isn’t personal, not really.

But I have a problem with this.

I’m talking about CollegeHumor’s “Adventures of Kim Jong Un” series. For those of you who haven’t seen it, the digital shorts parody dictator Kim Jong Un using the very exaggeration and propaganda that has made North Korea so infamous to the rest of the world.

I get it. It’s CollegeHumor. It’s meant to be funny, but I’m telling you that it isn’t, and it shouldn’t be. 

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Quote

cras es noster

Ten years from now, I’ll be 26—almost 27.

At that age, my mother was already married and I was in her womb.

Whoa, I’m getting shivers. I can’t imagine myself taking care of a child. Maybe I’ll have a dog by then (maybe even a Corgi!). (S)he’ll live with me and my boyfriend/spouse in our apartment in New York. The three of us will take long walks during the fall all bundled up in pea coats and mufflers and mittens, grab a coffee at our favorite place on the corner, buy groceries to bake pumpkin pies and gingerbread men. The love of my life and I will talk over a dinner of pot roast and couscous back at the house. We’ll both complain about the stresses of our jobs, but we both know that in a minute we’ll look up and smile and know that we wouldn’t have things any other way.

It shall be glorious.

– Originally written on January 12, 2011.

We shall see.

asinus ad lyram

How to Be a Better Conversationalist

To be perfectly honest, approaching this article was borderline cringe-inducing. To me it’s almost akin to looking up how to kiss or how to slow dance. It’s awkward — but it’s necessary.

A little backstory. I used to be painfully shy. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. Up until maybe junior high school, I had trouble even asking employees at Walmart where I could find the peanut butter. I remember getting verbally smacked upside the head by my parents so many times for being so shy. I grew out of it, kind of like childhood asthma or an allergy, and to this day, I’m not sure how I did it.

I moved a lot growing up. As ‘the new kid’ in school, starting conversations with strangers wasn’t just an annoying ritual of social etiquette–it was a survival skill. Your bow and arrow in the elementary school’s social Hunger Games. Most of the time, I wasn’t even a contender. Wallflower? More like a clod of turf tossed up underfoot.

Things got better as I got older. I’m nineteen now and have survived high school, even freshman orientation in college. Now networking events are the new challenge. I’m pretty sure I’ll never truly be at ease, but I’m moving along. I still stutter, stumble sometimes, but that’s okay. I know where to find the peanut butter now.

ex mero motu

Tonight, I

visited the Bond NYC store on Bleecker. I had my first whiff of New York Amber and felt my whole body droop heavy with pleasure. I know where my next piggy bank is headed.

savored my first pot of Lapsang Souchong tea. As the barista described it, “It always reminds me of a crackling fireplace in a snow lodge.” Instant vacation in a cup.

wrote a letter to a person from my past. I ended up spilling some of the tea on it–classic me.

wandered slightly lost in the Village with John Coltrane on full blast as the sun set around me.

ended the night with a sleepy ride back uptown as Haruki Murakami’s world of After Dark came alive in the rosy cave behind closed eyes.

I will not forget.

Aside

gutta cavat lapidem

At first, the sound of birds chirping in the night was kind of magical, almost like hearing the soundtrack of an illusion of a beautiful day outside. Five hours later, it’s getting to be unbearably annoying and, to be honest, more than a little creepy. I mean, what are they doing out there in the dark? What are they talking about?

– May 11, 2013